I would flip off the audience at graduation if it weren’t for the sole fact my grandmother is going to be there.
Lately I’ve had a lot of dreams for my future and I’m starting to notice if I focus I can get my dreams and life wants straight. I know I want to be an author, so I’m planning on majoring in English in order to be able to correctly market my books and be taken seriously and then minor in business. I’ll be going through my first two years at community college and then I might go to college in London or just chill and work with Hunter for about a year. If I don’t go to college in London I’d want to go to either the University of Notre Dame, University of Arizona, Ithaca College or University of Tennessee. After I finish my degree I want to start work with a company that would be able to take and support me in New York while working on a novel. I also plan to visit Africa. ♥
I’m honestly so drowsy from all these medications but I just wanted to say I got through the day. And this is something I’m proud of because the urges to cut were massive and the opportunity is constant. It exhausted me and made me really disappointed going to sleep without doing homework. But tonight I cannot say that. I am glad I didn’t give in; I fought back. And guess what I did today? Homework, then worked at my job, took a walk and cleaned a little. It all evened out I just had to take time, step back and reevaluate. It’s really stressful being this close to graduation with so many conflicting emotions and this much course work. I just need to get it all done and make it through.
I honestly cannot wait for my summer of reading, writing, working, camping, exercising, cooking and being a celiac disease camp counselor! Thinking of the amazing summer ahead, enrolled in a community college and finally out of fucking high school is my motivation to finish. I doubt any of that will feel anywhere near as amazing without first accomplishing what they deemed impossible last year when I got kicked out of my public high school just for being sick. :’) I can’t wait to walk across that stage in my adorable dress crying!
going to sleep fully medicated tonight i am in so much back pain. i’m even taking an anxiety med just so i don’t stress anything more.
Pathetic and empty I just want to bleed
I still have that ideal that to get through school and all the bullshit surrounding me I have to cut. And that, my loves, is why I still have yet to pick up a pen and do homework.. I’m scaring myself.
people always think they caused my mental breakdowns but let’s be honest i do quite well making those happen on my own.
Only in the darkest of nights will I allow myself to admit that you loved me and I you. It wasn’t a normal love, or one you would think of as normal, because we barely were able to be together and when we finally were you took a step back. You left, afraid to love me, afraid to lose me. You once told me your mother tried to die in front of you.. and I don’t think you ever realized how much you loved me until I told you I tried, too. When you finally knew you called me crying and said, for the first and only time, I was the only person you’ve ever truly loved. The one you hurt the most, and regret the most losing. And yet I still can’t say aloud that we were in love. Were we? When I think of love I think of you staying, fighting; afraid to lose me but willing to fight to see me by your side. Why’d you walk away? I wish I still hated you, but even though you’ve hurt me so much, I can’t. I cannot hate any inch, any word, any single action of yours. Even though you chose her over me.. I just can’t.
I believe it’s important to know how many days you’ve gone through without self harm so that you can realize you deserve to add more to that and can continue to push back against the urge. Day 222. ♥
Sometimes talking about my past makes me more unstable than it should. I’ve been pretty unstable lately but jesus christ talking about it today just makes me want to relapse so badly. Fuck.